So, I just got done watching
Our America with Lisa Ling, apparently because just feeling lazy, useless, and wasted on my own isn't good enough and I needed something to help me along that dazzling path. It was the one about PTSD, up to and including all the torment that the soldiers and their wives go through. Most notably, the wives, which really is an unsung sadness in this world.
Incredibly, it wasn't the show that did me the favor of making me feel worse, but a commercial that runs on Oprah Winfrey's very own network, advertising for herself, or one of her other endeavors since her regular show stopped, or something. I think it was another show she must have started. I rarely watch this channel, because despite my feeling that Oprah is admirable and an awesome figure in general, her channel usually runs crap. In my honest opinion.
But anyway, it was one of her commercials that succeeded in helping me justify my shitty mood that I'd been entertaining all week, and it went something like, "My show has always been about making people realize their worth! Blah blah courage, blah blah success and dreams! IT IS ACHIEVABLE!"
Obviously, my memory is nothing to admire and I can't seem to recall the exact words of her commercial (which upsets me because I wanted to make it into a facebook status.) But, it sucked and also served to get me thinking...
Yes, dreams are good. Dreams get you going, and courage helps keep them going. And this becomes all the more obvious when you are someone like Oprah and came from somewhere like she did and had to struggle and prove yourself.
But, my thoughts were more along the lines of what if your dreams are a whole lot smaller? What if all you want is a small piece of land, maybe a couple horses, a house? Some dogs? Everything else is up in the air. Where's courage come into that? How exactly is it achievable? It's not like there's really something spectacular there. Just small, ordinary things. Hell, I don't even know if I want kids, but I'm pretty sure that if I had 'em, I'd make a fairly decent parent, maybe one that's prone to the occasional smart-ass prank, but all in all, harmless and loving. Kids aren't always featured in the dreams, and they are a challenge. And an expected societal norm.
Only just tonight, I was thinking about my sister, who in the last two years became a parent to two sons. Then, as it usually does, my mind took me down other avenues and I started thinking what it would be like if my brothers had children of their own, and how it'd be if I never did. Naturally, my tendencies of envisioning the worst case scenario were at their best and in no time flat, my future was full of being sidelined and taken for granted by the siblings of mine to rear kids. Of being pushed out of the conversation and left out of plans. Of being seen as "less than" because I didn't have kids. And right then and there, I made up mind to be okay with that if it were to come to pass.
This is how I prepare for things. Things like life and the future. Guess I don't really like surprises, eh?
But still, the whole thing about chasing your dreams with the gusto of a raging tornado has always held a sort of romantic appeal to me, but...
Alright, let's just spell it out.
I'm an incredibly logical person. I may not always be right in my logic, but it's there, and it's strong. I can see things from almost any angle, and I can do this with just about any situation. Again, I may not be right in the conclusions that I draw, but I can draw them from almost any scenario. I'm a virgo. It's part of what we do, apparently, and I'm always doing it.
So, for someone to say to me, even with the best of intentions, that dreams can be gotten by just having a fierce enough drive to chase them is ludicrous. All I have to do is look around myself to see that that just isn't true.
I can see it in my parents.
I can see it in my older, tired coworkers, who, while they may not talk about it openly, just kind of exude that sense of not having done all that their younger selves envisioned for themselves.
And what's worse...I can see the sense in that. I can see the sense in people having to settle, to do the mundane, and the ugly. I can see how the world would stop if we all just spent our energy on chasing dreams. Eventually, there comes a point in anyone's life when reality sets in and sacrifices have to be made in order to survive, whether it's for you or someone else, like a kid. Not everyone is made to be dream chasers, or dream achievers, I think. And yeah, that's sad. But it's life.
So, when I pause to consider my own situation, a thing I'm doing more and more of lately, I find myself wondering not only which of those I'll end up being, but what, exactly, it is that I'd chase. What would I fight for?
And the question that has plagued me for more years than I can recall...what are my dreams?
But, on a side-note, the
episode of Our America that I watched made me want to set up a memorial for military spouses.
